Debbie Downer
today, I am painfully aware of the analysis my "date?" Mr. Music (from a couple months ago) provided for me. He called me:
30% endearing, 20% tragic, 20% charming, and 30% everything else
I have not been doing good work at my office. This is not news. I have not been motivated for quite some time. But my supervisor never made any comments, so I had no reason to believe that my lackluster performace was unacceptable. Until Monday, when she took me for coffee and explained her need for me to step up. Which is fine. I don't blame her one bit. I am nowhere near the employee I presented myself to be in my interview. And now that I have a personal rewards system in place, I should be able to get most of my work done on a universally better level.
If it was just the job stuff, I don't think I'd be feeling quite the societal disconnect that I do now. Most of my friends (that's you people who even know to read this thing) have found great relationships over the summer. And I am completely supportive of that. You all totally deserve them. I don't wish anything was different. But I am aware, after a summer of shuttling myself accross this country to watch other people get married, that I am not one of you. I am once again sitting around at home after a bad day at work not-so-secretly hoping to get a phone call from Mr. Asshole -who I know in my heart of hearts is unreliable but is the only thing I have available to me to come over and distract me or make me feel good about myself. ...Okay, fine. Maybe not the ONLY thing. But the one I would prefer. I don't even have my bar to go to anymore. Not only did my bartender never call, but it turns out that the bar had a huge change in staff and so not only are none of the great bartenders there, but none of the fun regulars go anymore either! ...Just another in my series of life's losses. I was thinking about Papa and Harold this morning. Where the hell are those guys? Bodies decomposing 6 feet under the ground of greater Los Angeles, but there has to be more to it than that.
Yesterday was my parents' 41st wedding anniversary. You think that's putting any kind of subconscious pressure on me and why I can't make it past a 5th date?
This does not bode well for my plan to meet someone before Thanksgiving. I have a hard time imagining I'm going to have enough of my shit together before then to be able to really meet someone. I was thinking about it a little bit. I mean, I did meet someone just about everywhere I went this summer. At least for a night or an hour or whatever. That's not exactly something everyone can say. I should let that count for more than it does. But it's hard to hold onto since there's no remnants. Just memories and maybe a few pictures. Big fucking deal.
I couldn't even get to pilates last night. I made some excuse to myself about enjoying my last week of gluttony before Rosh Hashanah passes and I'll have complete control over my life again. And I'll loose the weight I gained back from my summer weight loss. ...yeah sure. I guess we'll see.
...anyway, it's not quite as bad as it sounds. but I figured it would be good to get it out of my head.
30% endearing, 20% tragic, 20% charming, and 30% everything else
I have not been doing good work at my office. This is not news. I have not been motivated for quite some time. But my supervisor never made any comments, so I had no reason to believe that my lackluster performace was unacceptable. Until Monday, when she took me for coffee and explained her need for me to step up. Which is fine. I don't blame her one bit. I am nowhere near the employee I presented myself to be in my interview. And now that I have a personal rewards system in place, I should be able to get most of my work done on a universally better level.
If it was just the job stuff, I don't think I'd be feeling quite the societal disconnect that I do now. Most of my friends (that's you people who even know to read this thing) have found great relationships over the summer. And I am completely supportive of that. You all totally deserve them. I don't wish anything was different. But I am aware, after a summer of shuttling myself accross this country to watch other people get married, that I am not one of you. I am once again sitting around at home after a bad day at work not-so-secretly hoping to get a phone call from Mr. Asshole -who I know in my heart of hearts is unreliable but is the only thing I have available to me to come over and distract me or make me feel good about myself. ...Okay, fine. Maybe not the ONLY thing. But the one I would prefer. I don't even have my bar to go to anymore. Not only did my bartender never call, but it turns out that the bar had a huge change in staff and so not only are none of the great bartenders there, but none of the fun regulars go anymore either! ...Just another in my series of life's losses. I was thinking about Papa and Harold this morning. Where the hell are those guys? Bodies decomposing 6 feet under the ground of greater Los Angeles, but there has to be more to it than that.
Yesterday was my parents' 41st wedding anniversary. You think that's putting any kind of subconscious pressure on me and why I can't make it past a 5th date?
This does not bode well for my plan to meet someone before Thanksgiving. I have a hard time imagining I'm going to have enough of my shit together before then to be able to really meet someone. I was thinking about it a little bit. I mean, I did meet someone just about everywhere I went this summer. At least for a night or an hour or whatever. That's not exactly something everyone can say. I should let that count for more than it does. But it's hard to hold onto since there's no remnants. Just memories and maybe a few pictures. Big fucking deal.
I couldn't even get to pilates last night. I made some excuse to myself about enjoying my last week of gluttony before Rosh Hashanah passes and I'll have complete control over my life again. And I'll loose the weight I gained back from my summer weight loss. ...yeah sure. I guess we'll see.
...anyway, it's not quite as bad as it sounds. but I figured it would be good to get it out of my head.
posted by Shana @ 7:28 AM
2 Comments:
At 20 September, 2006 12:30,
Anonymous said…
you have friends who love you and eventually you will meet a guy who does too. in the meantime, just keep on being your fabulous
self!
as for the job, keep it in perspective -- you don't live to work, you work to live.
At 22 September, 2006 06:46,
Anonymous said…
We talked about your work sit. last night... obv. you have to make the most of it while you're there... and maybe getting more engaged will bring out an interesting side to the job you haven't yet recognized. As for the guy thing -- obv. I sympathize -- I may have had a promising guy or two along the way -- but I'm left as single as prospect-less as you -- and feeling just as strongly, "WTF? Why am I left alone AGAIN?" In those moments I do tend to fall back to what Karen said -- my life is filled with such great friends right now, which is such a HUGE blessing. Finding a guy may be this Holy Grail, but really, it's more about finding a reliable support structure, and we both have that. The rest will come... when it comes -- pls. G-d sooner rather than later, but still, in the meantime, our lives are filled with fun and love and caring.
Excuse the schmaltzy-ness -- I guess this pep-talk was as much for me as you! Not very Salome of me -- I should've just told you to cut off the motherfucker's head for not treating you as you deserve.
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