It Turns Out I am Too Damn Successful For My Own Good

Last night I had a conversation with my therapist expressing my concern that I was falling over on the subway in the mornings much more often than is typical for me. And since she has a background in Dance Therapy, I knew that she would probably have something insightful to say about my being literally off-balance. I also mentioned my work boredom, my messy apartment and the fact that it has been in that heightened messy state for 6 weeks, and that I keep feeling the need to reach out socially. So much so that now every time I meet someone and exchange cards I actually contact them. I’ve also recently sought out old friends, and found myself looking through my cell phone only to realize I have already just spoken to or seen everyone I am inclined to call. We spent most of the session on these themes, and ultimately came to the conclusion that I am not depressed (which some of the symptoms could indicate) but actually in a very good place. I find myself the last month or so in a job that, while not exactly stimulating, has all the elements I was looking for in my long search (ie: stability, respect, appreciation for my work, a little extra money, good hours, a job description and company I am not embarrassed to tell people about). I have an amazing group of friends. I am not in a relationship but am one of the happiest single women I know (dumped the Beach Boy last week). I’ve lost a little weight so am now in a more normal place physically (although am planning to continue and get to the “good” place on the other side of normal). And so it turns out that I am uncomfortable with success. I mean, success with hardly any caveats. Usually there is something to worry about. That discomfort is the likely reason for the lack of motivation to clean up, etc. And as for the balance, she thinks it’s because I was actually starting to relax in my new situation. That I didn’t feel the need to put so much effort into something insignificant like the nuances of the subway tracks. …So then the concern shifted to wondering how I was going to screw it up. People sabotage themselves when they have no conflict in their life. That’s when married people have affairs, and people get cocky and fired for some crazy incident. And just like Wile E. Coyote runs off the cliff and is fine running on top of the air until he looks down and then falls, I started to wonder what was going to happen to me now that I am looking down and aware that I am not on the cliff anymore, but in mid-air!! She said that was an important concern but wasn’t convinced anything like that was going to happen. We’re going to keep our eyes on it.

…But sure enough, this morning I woke up at 8:47 –which is ideally when I should be walking into my office. I arrived technically an hour late at 9:30, but realistically ½ hour since I usually walk in around 9. Did I call it or what?! Tomorrow, in addition to the cell phone and deaf person’s alarms (makes the bed vibrate in an alarm-like beep-beep-beep), I’m bringing back the cd player as well. Hmmph.