Fascination

I’m going on a Cruise Baby!!! I know all you suckers out there are jealous, so here’s some wood for the fire:

Here’s the trip’s itinerary.

Here’s the virtual tour of the ship.

Here’s a sampling of the day’s activities.

And here’s me, sitting at my desk at work just counting the minutes, not being able to wait any longer before we depart!!!!!!!

Scattered Facts

1. Scientists have unearthed a Tropical Sonehenge in the Amazon in Brazil.

2. There is a space launch pad that is cursed by Chumash Indians.

3. Congratulations to Hal Prince who not only won a lifetime achievement Tony Award this year, but at Broadway Under the Stars Monday night was presented with his very own Central Park Bench.

4. And finally, over the weekend, trapped in a car with my parents, brother and sister, an overtired and hysterical Shana was having a rather enjoyable laughing attack with said older sister. At one point, we found ourselves singing “Get Out of My Dreams, Get into my Car” by Billy Ocean. I’m sure it was appropriate to the conversation at the time. And I immediately had a link in my head to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” -except in my old age and with frequent drinking habits it took about a half an hour to remember Rick Astley’s Name and find the song in the catalogue of my brain. All I could think of was a dark dance floor and some guy in a white suit dancing and singing. We never did figure out why I linked those two together. I thought for sure they had done a duet or perhaps were both on the Romancing the Stone soundtrack. Alas, they did not ever record a duet and the only thing remotely close to either one of those songs related to that movie is a different Billy Ocean song “When the Going Gets Tough” which was featured in the sequel Jewel of the Nile. Oops. What do you want from me, I was 7 years old when that movie was released. …Incidentally I also remembered Ocean’s “Carribean Queen” and threw that in the mix of potential links. But to no avail. The mystery remained until just now when I remembered to do some research and see if there wasn’t some connection between those two songs or artists. Sure enough, if you check the billboard charts for 1988, you’ll see that those two songs were just 3 weeks apart from holding the number one spot in the US. Astley held the title the weeks of March 12 and 19, then a 2 week break sponsored by Michael Jackson (Man in the Mirror), then Ocean won the crown April 9 and 16. …Isn’t the mind a funny thing.

The Saga Continues...

Sunday night I went to my bar again. It was SO crowded he hardly looked at me. Well, he looked at me because he gave me a drink as soon as I sat down without even saying hi. Similar events continued, but he did not look me in the eye. Until it was closing time and the lights were on. I figured I'd check and see about my friend’s theory of free drinks and instead of shove money at him, just go to the bathroom and see if a tab was waiting for me when I got back upstairs. ...it wasn't. So I put $5 down on the bar and tried to catch his eye. Neither one of us actually spoke, but there was some sort of exchange that implied "uh, do I owe you anything, if not there's your tip" "no, your good, it's on me" and then I smiled and he held his hand out and said "get home safely" I think. maybe it was "see you soon" or maybe it was "have a good night" I wasn't paying close enough attention because I am always struck when he holds out his hand to me. He does it palm up -which is kind of unusual in general, and certainly much more personal than the fist-ramming he gives most people. (oh, and in the meantime, as is typical for that magical bar, I had three different guys hitting on me, although I only gave one of them my number but I think he's a little bit close to crazy. And I didn’t go home with any of them). There was also this blond chick that was totally throwing herself at him -which was good for me to see, because I am sure this happens to him all the time. Perhaps more than once a night.

So then last night I went to see my therapist and we talked about my Bartender -and my feelings about him- for the entire session. She thinks that he represents something to me, although we have yet to figure out what but it is likely linked to the whole "what am I looking for in a man" thing. We explored how I allowed myself to continue with the visits since he was supposed to be "safe" (ie: untouchable and so far-fetched) and why I then allowed myself to get caught up in it. We didn't really come to any conclusions there either. It's all very complex. she thinks that it might have something to do with an idea like "what I think I want isn't what I really want" but it's not like I'm walking around saying that I am looking for a nice Jewish boy. And it is my voice as much as my mother's and my rabbi's inside my head when I say that I don't ever want to have a xmas tree in my home or my in-law's home. But I'm sure she is on to something because when we first met she told me she didn't believe that I wanted to get married and a year and a half later I realized that I didn't want to get married just yet. That I like my lifestyle. She is more concerned that I am not enjoying my feelings. She thinks I am too sad and there should be a way to feel all the good things that come with having feelings for someone even if the outcome is going to be difficult. She thinks I need to go for it. And she thinks that we can find a conclusion that probably isn't too terribly heartbreaking. -like the indifference and amusement I have with “Old Friend” (the German musician who pops in and out). But that took me years to get to.

I gave her this analogy. I said it's like you have to choose between two paths, and on the first one, you'll get to see the most beautiful gardens and waterfalls, but you also are likely to get stabbed and have rocks thrown at you, and you'll get shot, but only in the shoulder, so you know that ultimately you'll be fine. and on the second one, it's much longer and it's just a boring desert. and you might find yourself hallucinating because it's so boring and you don't really have enough water. she laughed and said that she thought that was a great representation. then she looked at me and said, "so is there really any doubt which path you take?"

It took me half a day to make sense of this, but I think I"m starting to get it. Of course you're going to be scared of all the bad stuff. But you have the advantage of knowing they are coming. And it's your decision to go on that path, which is helpful also. It makes you stronger knowing that you chose this for yourself and you know you can handle it, even if the wound hurts like a motherfucker. And you know it's going to heal. But you got to see those gardens and waterfalls. And they were SO worth it! And maybe there's a magic potion in one of the flowers that you didn't know about ahead of time. And it's not going to make you all better immediately, but it will distract you from your pain. Or maybe one of the waterfalls pours water that tastes like the most delicious thing EVER. How could you miss out on that? Especially when the alternative is a boring desert where you are still uncomfortable and maybe even miserable at times -just in a different way.

This is mine. The whole thing is in my head anyway. I can find a way to be empowered by this. Maybe it's not about whether he likes me or not. Nor if I'll be hurt in the end nor how badly that hurt will be. Maybe it's about me owning my life. And choosing the harder but way better path.

Allegory of a Bartender and a Young Lady

It’s like pulling teeth to even get me to write this down. To get it out of my head so that I can look at it and see the reality. My Therapist is supportive of my feeling this way. She calls it romance. She thinks it is healthy for me to like someone and go visit and get special attention. She likes the butterflies and thinks I have a handle on what is and what will be. But I know better. And last night, I think I crossed the line. Oh God, this is hard. Difficult to keep typing. Let’s start with the facts:

I go and see him every so often.
Sometimes he’s too busy to talk to me.
Sometimes he doesn’t know what to say.
He always gives me something for free.
The last two times, when I couldn’t stay very long, he wanted me to stay longer and lured me with another drink.
I always thought he was quiet towards me because he was not so interested, or perhaps worried about getting caught for past indiscretions (ie: the two of us in the storeroom). But I am realizing now it is probably because he likes me and doesn’t know what to say.
And recently, perhaps always but I’m not sure, I have not initiated any conversation.
So we both just sit there, or rather I sit and he goes about his business. Both just happy to be in the other’s presence. Both to scared to speak –for fear of embarrassment, or maybe even fear of ruining the fantasy. I can only speak for myself, but I have not filled in any blanks. I don’t have any expectations about what he does on his days off, or what his secret hopes and dreams may be. I haven’t made up any back-story about why he left Ireland to come live in New York.
But I am dying to know. All of the above and more. Does he live with anyone? Is he happy? Where’s his family? Does he ever see them? Does he hate them? How old was he when he moved? How educated is he? Does he have more tattoos than the spider web on his right elbow and the mini version on his left forearm? Who’s the saint around his neck? Does he wear that every day?

I am completely convinced that he still has my phone number –which I gave him when I first met him 3 and a half years ago. (or was it four and a half?) I know that it is sitting in the back of some drawer or on a bulletin board, or in a pile or a box somewhere. But it is there. Not thrown out. He knows exactly where it is. And he can’t use it. He wasn’t comfortable back then –when he claimed he would stalk me. And he is not comfortable now. Now, I might not even have the same number. And even though I would literally FLY if he were to call, he can’t. There’s no precedent for it. And something he said yesterday makes me think that he thinks he’s not good enough for me. He said “look at you. You’re leaving. You’re going on a cruise. …(mumble mumble ..something about a lowly bartender or only a bartender..” I never really thought about his perspective before. I did once, the time I was worried about him thinking me a whore. But maybe it’s something along the lines of:

here’s this woman who floats in and out of the bar unexpectedly. Just about every time she’s in there, some men take notice of her and chat with her and buy her drinks and maybe kiss her or go home with her. They ask me about her or mention her to me. And she comes in and charms everyone and sometimes I am lucky enough to be with her for 15 minutes on my break. And she’s sexy and beautiful and smart and funny. And she plays softball for her office. And she’s successful and is going on a cruise. And she knows a lot of people getting married and is traveling around for those occasions. And she speaks with a decent Irish accent when she tries. And she always always always orders Stoli Vanil with Diet Coke -except for the one time when I expected it and she ordered a Heinekin. And we are both 29. And she is really something. And she comes to see me sometimes. And I like that. And I like her. And what can I offer her?

And I’ve always known that nothing could really happen. He’s not going to give up Christmas and convert. Let me repeat that. HE’S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP CHRISTMAS AND CONVERT. HE’S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP CHRISTMAS AND CONVERT. HE’S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP CHRISTMAS AND CONVERT. HE’S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP CHRISTMAS AND CONVERT. It seems like my only options are:

A) Stay like it is now and be elated and then sad and then avoid it for a while and elated and sad and avoid it for a while…
B) Try to move forward and be embarrassed when he is not interested
C) Move forward and then be disappointed by what I found out
D) Move forward and then be heartbroken when it is so great and then can’t work out.

And I know that ultimately he can never be as amazing as I think he is now. And whatever he thinks of me, I probably am not either. And I am trying REALLY HARD to focus on that fact. That this is the best part. The part with the anticipation. The part with the excitement. The part where anything is possible. But it’s not enough anymore. I have a horrible habbit of never leaving anything be. I could drag this out for 5 more years or until I am married. If I was a healthy person who just needed a fix of attention. But I’m not that person. That’s what I mean when I said that last night I crossed the line. I don’t just need a little extra attention anymore. I have vivid dreams about him sometimes. And I wake up needing to see him. and then I sit in the bar and am just so happy to be looking at him (incidentally that was one of the things that I hated about the Beach Boy) and happy to see him smile at me and deeply affected when I notice his genuine look of shock and disappointment when I tell him I have to go after one drink. A tactic that is not meant to be playing games, just keeping a healthy distance –for my own sanity. And to ensure that I get the rest of the things done that evening that I absolutely need to (ie: picking up cruise tickets from UPS depot, and picking up the fabulous dress for the Montreal cocktail party from the lady who shortened the straps before it gets too late). And what am I going to do anyway??? Stay for my usual 4-6 drinks and get hammered and hope that we go downstairs at some point? Then have to share his attention for hours. And the couple times I really doubted myself and was drunk enough to approach him and say that he should tell me not to come by anymore if that’s what he wants, but phrased it awkwardly so he thought I meant we should post-party together and he tells me –oh no, I ..blahblahblah… making excuses why he can’t that morning. Which I should probably pay attention to as proof that I should really never ask to move forward. Maybe he doesn’t want to know more about me. Maybe he is just happy with the mystery woman who comes and goes as she pleases. OR MAYBE lately he has been appreciating the attention, or feeling more of the connection. WHY is it that he always wants me to stay. Why is it that he is hesitant to speak to me. Why is it that he insulted himself when thinking of my cruise. Could he really think that I just see him as a replaceable play thing? And why don’t I????

Shit. I could keep going for hours, but I’m going to stop after these last 50 minutes. Get my nails done and see what else comes up.

Hori-BELL News!

After 50 years of scene stealing, Disney has decided to give Tinker Bell a full length feature. It is the launch of a new line of regalia they are calling Fairies. Tink will no longer be the only fairy we know, and she will speak! I don’t know if she only speaks to other Fairies, or how it’s going to work, but I’m not exactly thrilled about this. I am even less thrilled about their choice in who is providing the voice. Brittany Murphy is an annoying actress who gets too much work. While a very talented singer, I have nothing else positive to say about her. The woman used to be a spunky, chunky brunette, then lost a million pounds, died her hair blonde, put collagen in her lips and starts wandering through Hollywood as the next leading lady. This is not a role model for innocent little girls. Although I suppose it is not a surprise since Disney has been very good to her ever since she was on their “Torkelsons” spinoff “Almost Home” when she was 12. I’m not exactly sure why, when they could have spent more energy on the adorable Olivia Burnette. …But I digress. TINK is my girl! And one of the great things about her was that she was never in the spotlight, but still we all wanted to watch her. Then all these other little girls started to like her and Disney started redrafting her into a stupid computer animated version, and sewing her onto all kinds of clothing, etc. with crazy eyes. And now they are putting her front and center (which I would be happy about if she was a real person, an actor who’s due was a long time coming) with all kinds of other fairies. It’s a genius marketing ploy, I must admit. But these new fairies all have a very different look about them. They are significantly more woodsy, and while somewhat multi-cultural and certainly diverse in their interests (to represent young children’s various interests), none of them are as curvy as TINK. See for yourselves:





This is going to take some getting used to…

It Turns Out I am Too Damn Successful For My Own Good

Last night I had a conversation with my therapist expressing my concern that I was falling over on the subway in the mornings much more often than is typical for me. And since she has a background in Dance Therapy, I knew that she would probably have something insightful to say about my being literally off-balance. I also mentioned my work boredom, my messy apartment and the fact that it has been in that heightened messy state for 6 weeks, and that I keep feeling the need to reach out socially. So much so that now every time I meet someone and exchange cards I actually contact them. I’ve also recently sought out old friends, and found myself looking through my cell phone only to realize I have already just spoken to or seen everyone I am inclined to call. We spent most of the session on these themes, and ultimately came to the conclusion that I am not depressed (which some of the symptoms could indicate) but actually in a very good place. I find myself the last month or so in a job that, while not exactly stimulating, has all the elements I was looking for in my long search (ie: stability, respect, appreciation for my work, a little extra money, good hours, a job description and company I am not embarrassed to tell people about). I have an amazing group of friends. I am not in a relationship but am one of the happiest single women I know (dumped the Beach Boy last week). I’ve lost a little weight so am now in a more normal place physically (although am planning to continue and get to the “good” place on the other side of normal). And so it turns out that I am uncomfortable with success. I mean, success with hardly any caveats. Usually there is something to worry about. That discomfort is the likely reason for the lack of motivation to clean up, etc. And as for the balance, she thinks it’s because I was actually starting to relax in my new situation. That I didn’t feel the need to put so much effort into something insignificant like the nuances of the subway tracks. …So then the concern shifted to wondering how I was going to screw it up. People sabotage themselves when they have no conflict in their life. That’s when married people have affairs, and people get cocky and fired for some crazy incident. And just like Wile E. Coyote runs off the cliff and is fine running on top of the air until he looks down and then falls, I started to wonder what was going to happen to me now that I am looking down and aware that I am not on the cliff anymore, but in mid-air!! She said that was an important concern but wasn’t convinced anything like that was going to happen. We’re going to keep our eyes on it.

…But sure enough, this morning I woke up at 8:47 –which is ideally when I should be walking into my office. I arrived technically an hour late at 9:30, but realistically ½ hour since I usually walk in around 9. Did I call it or what?! Tomorrow, in addition to the cell phone and deaf person’s alarms (makes the bed vibrate in an alarm-like beep-beep-beep), I’m bringing back the cd player as well. Hmmph.

Present From My Aunt Barbara

I thought I'd share this with you all... It makes me think of Bobby "Sailor" Walker...

Two Important Facts

1. Scientists have discovered that Sperm have a sense of smell.

2. I just found out that in order to loose one pound, the body must use 3500 calories. That is to say that we either take in that many fewer, or exercise that much more, or some combination equaling 3500. DAMN!!! That is a huge amount of calories. No wonder it’s so difficult to loose weight. That’s almost 16 pilates classes. FUCK!!

Happy Mitzvah Day!

There are 613 Mitzvot in the Torah, so today is Mitzvah day.

…Today was also the day that Korea defeated Togo in the World Cup games. And as I exited the subway on the corner of 32nd and 6th Avenue (or is it Broadway? I’m not quite sure. That is the crossroad) there were thousands of Koreans across the street wearing red and screaming as if they were in a stadium. There is a big plasma screen on the outside of a building and they were standing in the courtyard of that building. Somehow there was a camera crew there, as if some Korean television station were to cut back and forth from the game in Germany to say “look at the crowds in New York City!!” I know this because these people would scream, and then saw themselves on the screen and would scream even LOUDER!!!

I knew something was up when I traveled underground from the platform to the stairwell and everything was especially hectic and backed-up. The journey from the subway platform to my office is generally frustrating enough coming out of a stairwell and directly underneath a scaffolding pole. There are always human gridlocks to navigate and one-way-streams to conquer. I often feel like a salmon. …anyway, I was privileged enough to come across the building of even more scaffolding a couple blocks further south on 5th Avenue. …ah summer in New York…

Karaoke Baby!!

My how I love Karaoke. It was the subject of the film Duets (which wasn’t particularly good, although I enjoyed it AND it managed to score a smash Billboard hit with Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis’ “Cruisin.” ) But it is also, one of my favorite pastimes. Last night we dominated the stage at 420 and managed to make new friends as well! We just might make it back there again. Here’s our song list from last night:

“Manic Monday” -The Bangles
“Let ‘er Rip” -Dixie Chicks
“Spiderwebs” -No Doubt
“Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” -Marilyn Monroe
“Maybe This Time” -from Cabaret
“Dead or Alive” -Bon Jovi
and the fantastic finale of the EINTIRE NIGHT -sung by new friends Lauren, Justin, Salome, and Moi:
“Free Fallin’” -Tom Petty

Top 10 Rainy Day Songs

(blogger was down, so this is late)


10. It’s Raining It’s Pouring
9. Walkin’ in the Rain (The Party)
8. Singin’ in the Rain (B. Comden, A. Green)
7. Red Rain (Peter Gabriel)
6. Blame it on the Rain (Mili Vanili)
5. Why Does it Always Rain on Me? (Travis)
4. Let the Rain Fall (Hillary Duff)
3. Let it Rain (Eric Clapton)
2. Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head (B.J. Thomas ---B.J. THOMAS!! Just like the Growing Pains theme song!!!!!!!!)

and the number one Rainy Day Song according to ME, because it almost always represents how I feel:

1. Rain Rain Go Away

In the 5 minutes I allowed myself to brainstorm, I came up with all of the above and the additional songs listed below. If you can come up with more –without looking online or through your cd’s- send them over with your comments. NO CHEATING.

Crying in the Rain (Everly Brothers)
It’s Raining Men (The Weather Girls)
Itsy Bitsy Spider
Rain (L. Ahrens + S. Flaherty for the show Once on This Island)
Rain (Madonna)
Rainy Day Blues (Willie Nelson)
Rainy Days and Mondays (The Carpenters)
Rise and Shine and Sing out your Glory Glory

How do you two know each other?

There’s something very special about being and having grown up Jewish. I don’t always realize it until other people are so surprised by things. My whole life I have been teaching my peers about our customs. All through elementary and junior high school I would do mini-workshops teaching about Hanukkah or Rosh Hashanah. We have great holidays. They are mostly very interactive and there are a LOT of them throughout the year. In high school I was super-involved in Jewish youth movements and camps, and in college I was involved in a few of the ones designed for that stage of life. Everyone knows about Jewish geography. It’s a fun little game, and a nice way to feel comfortable with people you don’t know very well. Also, it’s a useful tool for making friends in a new setting. And I think most of us will find that, if all parties are Jewish, there is never more than 3 degrees of separation (contrary to the secular 6 degrees of separation). So you meet someone and you find out where they are from, and you say, “do you know Plony Alony? I went to Israel with him” and BAM! You have a new friend. Because you already have a friend in common. But somehow our Jewish connections go beyond that.

I started my new job about 6 weeks ago. In that time I’ve gotten to know a few people around the office. And once in a while my eyes hurt from staring at the monitor too long, and I’ll make a couple social rounds. Every time I talk to this one IT guy, someone walking by will say “How do you two know each other?” I guess we have a familiarity with one another that isn’t present in most new friendships. But it comes from a shared history. This guy and I had very similar childhoods, live in the same part of town, and often have similar plans on the weekends. We are both somewhat observant, and we have some friends in common (of course!) And I am always so taken aback when people ask us how we met. But given that this is the third or fourth time, I must confess there is something there. And it goes beyond our Jewish Geography. We both come from a rich tradition that teaches us to take care of our own and stick together. I would not be a bit surprised if we end up sharing a Shabbat meal in the near future.

Have We Learned Nothing?

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the AIDS epidemic. What was once at the forefront of Gay Men’s Health initiatives has now settled into a worldwide threat to the underprivileged, and a strong threat to American Black Women. Medical advances have been considerable, but there is still no cure, and no vaccination. I must have been 9 or 10 when I first heard about it. My mother and I were watching Donahue and I had to ask her what a condom was. Now everyone in my circles knows all the basics. It’s transmitted sexually and through iv drug use. We know all the right steps to take to avoid risk. Most of us upper-class Jews have never met anyone with the disease. But those of us who grew up liberal and with a conscience are very much affected by the weight of it, and stay abreast of the progress.
And in a startling societal juxtaposition President Bush has urged congress to support the Marriage Protection Ammendment –which would ban gay marriage and is expected to be voted on this Wednesday. It doesn’t even feel real. I honestly do not understand how people can be so closed minded, and what exactly it is that so many fundamentalist Christians are afraid of. People need to mind their own business. I was thinking about that in a much smaller sense this afternoon, as I’ve been walking around with two not insignificant hickeys on my neck. The thing is, whether or not I have had someone sucking on my neck has no bearing on my job performance. There is nothing inherently inappropriate about walking around with blotches on ones neck. However we all take pains to cover them up, don’t we. I can’t very well wear a turtleneck in June. And a scarf wouldn’t work because the plane of the two marks is uneven. How does this relate? I guess I just feel like if people were better about minding their own business I wouldn’t have to keep pulling my hair over my shoulders. And two men or two women who love each other more deeply than I personally have ever experienced should have the opportunity to legally build a life together, and share assets, and be considered “family” or “spouse” in a hospital.

June Is Busting Out All Over

Can you imagine if songs were still written with lyrics like that?

…Anyway, today we prepare for the delicious dairy-centric holiday of Shavuot. I have to miss a party at the penthouse of the Hilton hotel because of it. But that’s alright. I’ll be up all night at the JCC studying text and Israeli Folk Dancing. Oh, and let’s not forget the cheesecake. YUM! Tomorrow I will go to Livingston, NJ for lunch so I can partake of the delicious food my Auntie Bobbie is preparing. Good thing I went to pilates Sat. and Sun. and Tues. and then played softball last night and will go to pilates again on Sat. All this junk food is too good to pass up. And in case you are wondering, last night I did strike out once (oh the shame, the shame!), but then made it to base twice! I have been informed that so far my batting average is .375 and that that’s pretty fucking good. Wohoo! We lost 18-17, but it was so close. I can taste our next win. Too bad the next game isn’t for another 3 weeks. Nobody knows why.
…Also, in case any of you like orange soda, Diet Sunkist is now selling 20 oz. bottles. I was never much of an orange soda drinker until MangoFan got me into it a couple years ago. But I have always been a fan of the 20 oz. soda bottle. I don’t know why, but I just love drinking from a bottle. The plastic doesn’t change the taste any like a can does, and 20 oz. is the perfect size. The only drawback to this wonderful new advancement is that now I have to admit in public that I am an orange-soda-drinker. I had a whole conversation about it with one of my coworkers today. It is nothing like being a diet-coke-drinker. Orange soda is much lower down on the cool spectrum. But it’s okay. I can’t deny who I am. And I’ll still choose Diet Coke 75% of the time. So there…