The Saga Continues...
Sunday night I went to my bar again. It was SO crowded he hardly looked at me. Well, he looked at me because he gave me a drink as soon as I sat down without even saying hi. Similar events continued, but he did not look me in the eye. Until it was closing time and the lights were on. I figured I'd check and see about my friend’s theory of free drinks and instead of shove money at him, just go to the bathroom and see if a tab was waiting for me when I got back upstairs. ...it wasn't. So I put $5 down on the bar and tried to catch his eye. Neither one of us actually spoke, but there was some sort of exchange that implied "uh, do I owe you anything, if not there's your tip" "no, your good, it's on me" and then I smiled and he held his hand out and said "get home safely" I think. maybe it was "see you soon" or maybe it was "have a good night" I wasn't paying close enough attention because I am always struck when he holds out his hand to me. He does it palm up -which is kind of unusual in general, and certainly much more personal than the fist-ramming he gives most people. (oh, and in the meantime, as is typical for that magical bar, I had three different guys hitting on me, although I only gave one of them my number but I think he's a little bit close to crazy. And I didn’t go home with any of them). There was also this blond chick that was totally throwing herself at him -which was good for me to see, because I am sure this happens to him all the time. Perhaps more than once a night.
So then last night I went to see my therapist and we talked about my Bartender -and my feelings about him- for the entire session. She thinks that he represents something to me, although we have yet to figure out what but it is likely linked to the whole "what am I looking for in a man" thing. We explored how I allowed myself to continue with the visits since he was supposed to be "safe" (ie: untouchable and so far-fetched) and why I then allowed myself to get caught up in it. We didn't really come to any conclusions there either. It's all very complex. she thinks that it might have something to do with an idea like "what I think I want isn't what I really want" but it's not like I'm walking around saying that I am looking for a nice Jewish boy. And it is my voice as much as my mother's and my rabbi's inside my head when I say that I don't ever want to have a xmas tree in my home or my in-law's home. But I'm sure she is on to something because when we first met she told me she didn't believe that I wanted to get married and a year and a half later I realized that I didn't want to get married just yet. That I like my lifestyle. She is more concerned that I am not enjoying my feelings. She thinks I am too sad and there should be a way to feel all the good things that come with having feelings for someone even if the outcome is going to be difficult. She thinks I need to go for it. And she thinks that we can find a conclusion that probably isn't too terribly heartbreaking. -like the indifference and amusement I have with “Old Friend” (the German musician who pops in and out). But that took me years to get to.
I gave her this analogy. I said it's like you have to choose between two paths, and on the first one, you'll get to see the most beautiful gardens and waterfalls, but you also are likely to get stabbed and have rocks thrown at you, and you'll get shot, but only in the shoulder, so you know that ultimately you'll be fine. and on the second one, it's much longer and it's just a boring desert. and you might find yourself hallucinating because it's so boring and you don't really have enough water. she laughed and said that she thought that was a great representation. then she looked at me and said, "so is there really any doubt which path you take?"
It took me half a day to make sense of this, but I think I"m starting to get it. Of course you're going to be scared of all the bad stuff. But you have the advantage of knowing they are coming. And it's your decision to go on that path, which is helpful also. It makes you stronger knowing that you chose this for yourself and you know you can handle it, even if the wound hurts like a motherfucker. And you know it's going to heal. But you got to see those gardens and waterfalls. And they were SO worth it! And maybe there's a magic potion in one of the flowers that you didn't know about ahead of time. And it's not going to make you all better immediately, but it will distract you from your pain. Or maybe one of the waterfalls pours water that tastes like the most delicious thing EVER. How could you miss out on that? Especially when the alternative is a boring desert where you are still uncomfortable and maybe even miserable at times -just in a different way.
This is mine. The whole thing is in my head anyway. I can find a way to be empowered by this. Maybe it's not about whether he likes me or not. Nor if I'll be hurt in the end nor how badly that hurt will be. Maybe it's about me owning my life. And choosing the harder but way better path.
So then last night I went to see my therapist and we talked about my Bartender -and my feelings about him- for the entire session. She thinks that he represents something to me, although we have yet to figure out what but it is likely linked to the whole "what am I looking for in a man" thing. We explored how I allowed myself to continue with the visits since he was supposed to be "safe" (ie: untouchable and so far-fetched) and why I then allowed myself to get caught up in it. We didn't really come to any conclusions there either. It's all very complex. she thinks that it might have something to do with an idea like "what I think I want isn't what I really want" but it's not like I'm walking around saying that I am looking for a nice Jewish boy. And it is my voice as much as my mother's and my rabbi's inside my head when I say that I don't ever want to have a xmas tree in my home or my in-law's home. But I'm sure she is on to something because when we first met she told me she didn't believe that I wanted to get married and a year and a half later I realized that I didn't want to get married just yet. That I like my lifestyle. She is more concerned that I am not enjoying my feelings. She thinks I am too sad and there should be a way to feel all the good things that come with having feelings for someone even if the outcome is going to be difficult. She thinks I need to go for it. And she thinks that we can find a conclusion that probably isn't too terribly heartbreaking. -like the indifference and amusement I have with “Old Friend” (the German musician who pops in and out). But that took me years to get to.
I gave her this analogy. I said it's like you have to choose between two paths, and on the first one, you'll get to see the most beautiful gardens and waterfalls, but you also are likely to get stabbed and have rocks thrown at you, and you'll get shot, but only in the shoulder, so you know that ultimately you'll be fine. and on the second one, it's much longer and it's just a boring desert. and you might find yourself hallucinating because it's so boring and you don't really have enough water. she laughed and said that she thought that was a great representation. then she looked at me and said, "so is there really any doubt which path you take?"
It took me half a day to make sense of this, but I think I"m starting to get it. Of course you're going to be scared of all the bad stuff. But you have the advantage of knowing they are coming. And it's your decision to go on that path, which is helpful also. It makes you stronger knowing that you chose this for yourself and you know you can handle it, even if the wound hurts like a motherfucker. And you know it's going to heal. But you got to see those gardens and waterfalls. And they were SO worth it! And maybe there's a magic potion in one of the flowers that you didn't know about ahead of time. And it's not going to make you all better immediately, but it will distract you from your pain. Or maybe one of the waterfalls pours water that tastes like the most delicious thing EVER. How could you miss out on that? Especially when the alternative is a boring desert where you are still uncomfortable and maybe even miserable at times -just in a different way.
This is mine. The whole thing is in my head anyway. I can find a way to be empowered by this. Maybe it's not about whether he likes me or not. Nor if I'll be hurt in the end nor how badly that hurt will be. Maybe it's about me owning my life. And choosing the harder but way better path.
posted by Shana @ 2:41 PM
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